Parashat Bereisheet - the difference between "same" and "equal"

Words of Torah
Parashat Bereisheet
Genesis 1:1-6:8

“It is not good for the man to be alone;
I will make him an ezer k'negdo.” 
~~ Genesis 2:18

There is much (possibly too much) vastly conflicting interpretations of the term "ezer k'negdo."  I am certainly not a linguist, nor a scholar of ancient languages.  I am not even enough of a biblical scholar to be able to pull out most references to the use of the root form of either "ezer" or "k'negdo" across the Torah.  However, what I can do is read a text and follow the three stage interpretation that was taught to me at the seminary during my graduate studies.

   Step 1: What does the text say?
   Step 2: What does the text mean?
   Step 3: What does the text mean to me?

Too often readers of the biblical text jump directly to step three, which not only clouds the text's original meaning, but is also usually taken completely out of context and in turn manipulated to try and support a vastly different position or idea than what the text is actually saying...but I leave this discussion for another time.

The most common and academically accepted interpretation of "ezer k'negdo" is some form of "opposite helper" or "helper-against him" or any other variation of this seemingly contradictory phrase. So using our three step process, this means that the above text when taken literally simply says something to the effect of, 

"It is not good for the man to be alone; 

I will make him a partner who will help him and challenge him."

The next step is to better understand what the sages and rabbinic scholars (not to mention today's marriage counselors, psychotherapists, and other social work professionals) say about this strangely worded phrase, which by most counts is interpreted to mean what we understand any healthy spousal relationship to be about...partnership.  Each spouse is expected to support and help the other, yet, at the same time not always be in agreement, but rather provide an alternative "opposite" perspective when needed so that the relationship can grow, and so that the end result is a deliberately processed and well-thought out co-decision.

Unfortunately, there have been individuals, including scholars and recognized community leaders, who interpreted the ezer k'negdo as a statement of power, control, and one-upmanship of men over women.  These individuals suggest that because the woman was created as the "help-mate" for the man, that in some way this should mean that the woman should be subservient to the man and in some way a second class citizen.  And this was certainly the case for many years, even in this great nation, as to why women's right to vote (as well as many other rights) was not established at the same time men's rights were given, but rather only centuries later following the women's suffrage.

However, what I find most curious of all, is this awkward stage in our history that we are living through today, where for some reason "equality" and "equal rights" has in some places taken to mean "sameness" and "monotony."  

I want to unequivocally state that women deserve to have equal rights, benefits, pay, and opportunity to every possible experience in today's world as do men.  But, that does not mean that I support women feeling that they need to be the "same" as men.  As ezer k'negdo so beautifully states it, men and women should "help" one another and "challenge" one another to be the best that we can be as individuals, as a community, and as a society.  Equality means that there is equal push and pull in both directions when this relationship is respected and encouraged.  But this is not "sameness."  If that were the case, it would be in exact contradiction to k'negdo, and in turn bring about a push-push or pull-pull relationship, which defeats the purpose and obvious textual intent.

My unprofessional sociological best guesstimate is that as we (read "men") continue to portray a perceived time in our history where we (read "men" again) believe there exists equal rights for women (unlike pre-sufferage where this could never have been claimed by the men in our society) is causing the women's rights movement to fight a fight that seems solved to those who don't understand it, appreciate it, or care about it.  Unfortunately, I believe that because of this unforgiving battle it has morphed in some places to a fight for "sameness," because that is a condition that we as a society could never claim to have conquered, but which is also unquestionably the wrong fight to fight.

I want equality, I believe most rationale, patient, and understanding men want this too, but I don't support sameness, which I also believe most women don't want as well.  Women and men have unique skills, qualities, and naturally ingrained characteristics that make their uniqueness a blessing.  This does not mean that women cannot pursue the same dreams as men, it simply means that the two genders are different. As ezer k'negdo so eloquently expresses it, we want a society where men and women can help one another by challenging one another.  Unfortunately, we still have a long way to go!

Parashat V'zot Habracha - Knowing someone face to face...

 

Words of Torah
Parashat V'zot Habracha
Deuteronomy 33:1-34:12

“And there was no other prophet who arose in Israel like Moses, 

whom Hashem knew face to face...”  ~~ Deuteronomy 34:10

As we once again bring another cycle of the Torah reading to a close, we are once again reminded of the stature of our greatest prophet, Moses.  No one had, or has had since, the opportunity to have as personal a relationship with Gd as Moses.  

Verse 34:10 above could have easily concluded with "...whom Hashem knew" and that would could have been enough.  But, by adding the "face to face" we are introduced to a very personal and unique relationship that no other biblical character (not even our patriarchs and matriarchs), nor anyone since, has ever experienced.

So, if Gd, who has a spiritual connection with every living being on earth only had one "face to face" relationship, it got me wondering just how many face to face relationships we humans actually have with one another?  

In order to answer this question I first had to ask another; what does having a "face to face" relationship even look like?

Rashi explained the uniqueness of the panim el panim ("face to face") expression to mean, "[Moses] was quite familiar with [Gd], speaking to [Gd] anytime he wished."

Yet, many would claim that they in fact do speak to Gd any time they want.  But, what is usually the case is that these conversations are one-way communications, where an individual feels comforted by sharing their thoughts, feelings, concerns, and/or wishes with Gd, but never expecting a spoken reply in return.  Moses, however, spoke to Gd; Moses was able to engage in a personal two-way dialogue with Gd "face to face."

Of course, there is a story of a man in recent years who was able to get a reply from Gd in one of his pleas to be heard.  We understand that his conversation went something like this:

     Man: "Gd, how long is a million years?" 
     Gd: "To me, it's about a minute." 
     Man: "Gd, how much is a million dollars?" 
     Gd: "To me, it's like a penny." 
     Man: "Gd, may I have a penny?" 
     Gd: "Sure, just wait a minute." 

Obviously, putting aside the tongue-in-cheek humor; with how many people do we really speak to "face to face?"  Who are the ones who when we speak they listen, and when they speak we listen equally focused?

When I realized the gravity of this question, I also realized that the number of people with whom I thought I had "face to face" dialogues dropped significantly.  How many times are we distracted by the multitude of other things going on in our lives, or how many acquaintances do we know to whom we politely listen but whom we never actually hear?  How many times a day are we saying things to others, but to whom we may be never actually speaking?

And when we take this incredible communication to another level, whom do we actually know well enough to speak to in this way?

It is said that when we look into the face of another we are not only able to see past their physical features, but that we are able to gaze into their soul and see their true self.  Given this level of personalized communication, probably like Moses and Gd had themselves, speaking to someone "face to face" is then not only about being heard at any time on any subject, rather, it is also about knowing the person to whom you're speaking in such an intimate and personal way that the words being spoken and respectively heard are in such sync and harmony that the experience becomes "face to face."

So, with how many people can you claim to have this kind of relationship?  

Gd only had one!

Shabbat Hagadol & Passover

Words of Torah
Parashat Tzav
Leviticus 6:1-8:36

“And he put upon him the tunic, and girded him with the girdle, and clothed him with the robe, and put the ephod upon him, and he girded him with the skillfully woven band of the ephod, and bound it unto him therewith.”  ~~ Leviticus 8:7

In this week’s parashah we read about the High Priest and not only the sacrifices that he performs on behalf of the people, but also of the sanctity with which he is clothed for the tasks and duties of his sacred role.

I share the following story as a modern day example of the support roles that are necessary for the sanctity of the job to take place…no matter what the job. In the above Moses was responsible for preparing and “dressing” Aaron in his fine linens. However, the following story is of a lesser-known hero who had a similar responsibility in preparing another’s “sacred” garments. 

Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.

One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!"

"How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb.

"I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today."

Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, "I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor." Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know.

Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?" Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory -- he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety.

Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As we gather around the Seder table in the coming days, and whether it is this week, this month, or sometime this year, what differentiates us as “free” people is that we truly have the ability to recognize those people who pack our parachutes.

This weekend, I encourage you to take a few moments to discuss with your child(ren) how being a free person means not enslaving ourselves to our egos, pride, fears, and/or anxieties. Our actions, especially as we celebrate and retell our Passover story, should be driven by their righteous intent.

Wishing you a zissen (happy) Pesach. Shabbat shalom!

Parashat Ki Tisa - on the "Toxic Environment"

Parashat Ki Tisa

Exodus 30:11-34:35

There is nothing intrinsically bad in God's world:

every evil is a perverted good, every psychosis a healthy instinct gone awry.

~~ Based on the talks and writings of the Lubavitcher Rebbe

In this week’s parashah we read about when Moses doesn’t return as expected from the top of Mount Sinai, and the people left below consequently make a Golden Calf to worship. In response to this event, God proposes to destroy this sinful nation; however, Moses intercedes on the people’s behalf. Moses then descends from the mountain carrying the Tablets engraved with the Ten Commandments; and seeing the people dancing about their idol, he breaks the Tablets, melts down the Golden Calf and has the primary culprits put to death. Moses then returns to God to receive a second set of the Tablets.

Applying the lessons learned from this week’s text, the Lubavitcher Rebbe taught that the Israelites who participated in the Golden Calf incident where not evil, but simply people who were misguided and sought leadership and counsel from the wrong sources.

As parents we are very aware of the power of peer pressure, and how our children’s friends can influence our own child simply because of the way this friend was raised in his or her home.  On the one hand I am always proud of how our school, even with the occasional challenge that goes along with children growing up together and developing social skills, handles peer interactions; and yet on the other hand, as an educator reading the monthly journals, articles, and research materials, I am appalled, and quite frankly often gravely concerned, at what is going on in other schools.

“TOXIC ENVIRONMENT” has been a common phrase applied by researchers in response to the pressures and events going on in the public school world.   James Garbarino, Ph.D, Co-Director, Family Life Development Center and Professor, Human Development, Cornell University, wrote as early as 1998 “The concept of social toxicity explains a great deal of what troubles us about children growing up in … the 21st Century. At stake is the essence of childhood as a protected time and place in the human life cycle.”  Just when exactly did we decide that we wanted our 8, 10, or even 12 year-old children to be adults?  When did we decide that being a child was a waste of time and that we wanted to parent young adults?

As I read the Rebbe’s commentary on this week’s parashah, I feel so fortunate to be among parents who recognize their stake in their child’s development.  Along these lines, the questions for this week’s Shabbat table may need to wait until your child goes to sleep, but at some point you will need to address them … On what values do you want your child to build his or her identity? Who are the peers and role models that you want your child to have for 8 hours a day, 180 days a year?  And, would you rather your child have the experience of being a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a vast ocean?

Shabbat shalom!

                                                                                                                                                  

Parashat Tetzaveh: The power of words

Parashat Tetzaveh

Exodus 28:20-30:10

Every so often while I am researching and studying the weekly parshah, so that I can glean a morsel of our rabbis’ teachings and use it to help develop this weekly column, I come across a rabbinic interpretation that needs to be shared in its entirety.  Such is this week’s Words of Torah written by Lord Jonathan Sacks, Chief Rabbi of Great Britain.

THE SEDRAH OF TETZAVEH, as commentators have noted, has one unusual feature: it is the only sedrah from the beginning of Shemot (Book of Exodus) to the end of Devarim (Book of Deuteronomy) that does not contain the name of Moses. Several interpretations have been offered:

The Vilna Gaon suggests that it is related to the fact that in most years it is read during the week in which the seventh of Adar falls: the day of Moses' death. During this week we sense the loss of the greatest leader in Jewish history - and his absence from Tetzaveh expresses that loss.

The Baal haTurim relates it to Moses' plea, in next week's sedrah, for G-d to forgive Israel. "If not," says Moses, "blot me out of the book you have written" (32: 32). There is a principle that "The curse of a sage comes true, even if it was conditional [and the condition has not been satisfied]" (Makkot 11a). Thus, for one week his name was "blotted out" from the Torah.

The Paneach Raza relates it to another principle: "There is no anger that does not leave an impression".  When Moses, for the last time, declined G-d's invitation to lead the Jewish people out of Egypt, saying, "Please send someone else", G-d "became angry with Moses" (Ex. 4: 13-14) and told him that his brother Aaron would accompany him. For that reason Moses forfeited the role he might otherwise have had, of becoming the first of Israel's priests, a role that went instead to Aaron. That is why he is missing from the sedrah of Tetzaveh, which is dedicated to the role of the Cohen.

All three explanations focus on an absence. However, perhaps the simplest explanation is that Tetzaveh is dedicated to a presence, one that had a decisive influence on Judaism and Jewish history.

The key is to now take Dr. Sacks teaching and to use it to help our children understand that there are times when things do not need to be overtly stated, or even referenced, or mentioned.  As parents we often “read” our children’s body language without them ever needing to say a word.  We know when they are happy, sad, confused, or even hiding something.  This lesson in social queues is often a difficult one for children to grasp, and this is often the one that gets them into difficult situations with their peers.  

So this week, take this opportunity to role-play, discuss, or even pick apart a TV show or two, and help your child read beyond the surface.  For although Moses is not mentioned in this week’s parashah directly, we all know that what you see is not always what you get.

Shabbat shalom