Words of Torah
Parashat Kedoshim
Leviticus 19:1-20:27
"Every [person] shall fear his mother and father..."
~~Leviticus 19:3
I doubt there are adults, especially parents, who have never quoted or at least referenced the words of the fifth commandment when speaking about the relationship and expectations of a child to their parent; "Honor your father and mother."
However, this week, in the Torah portion titled "Holy Ones" (Kedoshim) we read the above "revised" obligation for a child to a parent.
The idea of a child "fearing" a parent goes against the common culture of the western world when it comes to raising children. Do we really want our children to "fear" us as parents? "Honor" we can certainly live with. "Respect" would be lovely. But "fear"? Really?
The idea of a child fearing a parent goes against most "normative" and commonly accepted parenting handbooks found in any modern society library or bookstore. So why does the Torah, in the portion titled "the holy ones" (Kedoshim) use fear as the definition of the expected behavior between a child and parent?
The easy answer, of course, is that the Torah was given to us in a time when fear was an acceptable emotion for children to have toward their parents. In fact, one need only go back a few generations in this country to know that the use of fear in parenting was a common and accepted form of raising children. So, why wouldn't it make sense when taken in the context of the time the Torah was written?
The reason for my difficulty with this passage is because I genuinely believe that although the text may be dated, the lessons to be learned from the text are eternal. So what does it mean that a child "fear" their parent in the context of today's society?
As an educational administrator I have often had conversations with teachers on the topic of discipline. "How can I get them to behave the way I want?" "I'm not a mean or strict person, so scaring them doesn't come naturally to me" are common variations of beginning teachers perceptions about how they need to manage their classrooms. They genuinely believe that discipline comes from the creation of a fearful environment and so scaring the students into submissive behavior is how they will have respectful students in their classroom.
On the other hand, "master teachers" (whom I differentiate from veteran teachers - which is a separate discussion for another blog) have come to understand that a respectful classroom environment does not mean that every child is always on task and/or never disruptive. The master teacher develops a culture of dignity in their class, respect to oneself, others, and the inanimate room and objects themselves. Of course, the master teacher will never define this environment as originating from a sense of "fear", but the sociologist may argue differently!
"Fear" is defined as "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous." Sociologists will tell us that the reason someone follows the rules is because they are not interested in suffering the consequences if caught breaking the rules. It is natural to balance the risk vs reward of choosing to behave poorly, but if the risk is too great the choice is rarely too difficult. In other words, the master teacher has established an environment where the common understanding of the community is to follow the accepted norms.
So why use "fear" in the Torah to describe the relationship between a child and parent? Because Gd is simply saying, kids, just know that the risks and consequences to mistreating your parents is way too great for you to even consider...just don't bother. It takes the discussion off the table with the intent that the optimal behaviors will follow.
Here's to my (and apparently Gd's) eternal optimism!
Shabbat shalom.
However, this week, in the Torah portion titled "Holy Ones" (Kedoshim) we read the above "revised" obligation for a child to a parent.
The idea of a child "fearing" a parent goes against the common culture of the western world when it comes to raising children. Do we really want our children to "fear" us as parents? "Honor" we can certainly live with. "Respect" would be lovely. But "fear"? Really?
The idea of a child fearing a parent goes against most "normative" and commonly accepted parenting handbooks found in any modern society library or bookstore. So why does the Torah, in the portion titled "the holy ones" (Kedoshim) use fear as the definition of the expected behavior between a child and parent?
The easy answer, of course, is that the Torah was given to us in a time when fear was an acceptable emotion for children to have toward their parents. In fact, one need only go back a few generations in this country to know that the use of fear in parenting was a common and accepted form of raising children. So, why wouldn't it make sense when taken in the context of the time the Torah was written?
The reason for my difficulty with this passage is because I genuinely believe that although the text may be dated, the lessons to be learned from the text are eternal. So what does it mean that a child "fear" their parent in the context of today's society?
As an educational administrator I have often had conversations with teachers on the topic of discipline. "How can I get them to behave the way I want?" "I'm not a mean or strict person, so scaring them doesn't come naturally to me" are common variations of beginning teachers perceptions about how they need to manage their classrooms. They genuinely believe that discipline comes from the creation of a fearful environment and so scaring the students into submissive behavior is how they will have respectful students in their classroom.
On the other hand, "master teachers" (whom I differentiate from veteran teachers - which is a separate discussion for another blog) have come to understand that a respectful classroom environment does not mean that every child is always on task and/or never disruptive. The master teacher develops a culture of dignity in their class, respect to oneself, others, and the inanimate room and objects themselves. Of course, the master teacher will never define this environment as originating from a sense of "fear", but the sociologist may argue differently!
"Fear" is defined as "an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous." Sociologists will tell us that the reason someone follows the rules is because they are not interested in suffering the consequences if caught breaking the rules. It is natural to balance the risk vs reward of choosing to behave poorly, but if the risk is too great the choice is rarely too difficult. In other words, the master teacher has established an environment where the common understanding of the community is to follow the accepted norms.
So why use "fear" in the Torah to describe the relationship between a child and parent? Because Gd is simply saying, kids, just know that the risks and consequences to mistreating your parents is way too great for you to even consider...just don't bother. It takes the discussion off the table with the intent that the optimal behaviors will follow.
Here's to my (and apparently Gd's) eternal optimism!
Shabbat shalom.
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