Friday, October 19, 2012

Tipping the scales of parenting...

"Lady Justice" outside the Old Bailey, London, England


“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; mercy and truth go before You.” Psalm 89:14

In this week’s Torah portion we read two seemingly distinct stories.  The first story is about Noah, the animals, the flood, and the consequent establishment of a covenant between God and humanity.  The second story, only a chapter in length, is the story of the Tower of Babel.

For years I tried to make sense of this awkward insertion of the story of the Tower of Babel since it had no seemingly rational explanation for being squeezed into the Torah at this point.  However, as I told my students year in and year out, just because something doesn’t make sense to us, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a good reason for being included. 

It wasn’t until I came across the above verse that I suddenly made the connection between the two stories in this week’s Torah portion.  If God were only a God of justice, like God is described in the story of Noah, then whenever humankind disobeyed God’s commands, God would need to deliver a swift and just punishment.  Similarly, if God were only a God of mercy, then why would humanity follow any of God’s commands if breaking these laws would only elicit a slap on the wrist?

In this week’s verses we read about how justice is important, and yet incorporating mercy into the punishment is critical.  Even God shows the importance and necessity for order while at the same time showing a never-ending love for people.

Obviously, the application of this insight to parenting has tremendous impact.  The parent who parents with authority, strictness, and severity, all the while forgetting that children need to make mistakes, pushes the child away and generates a lack of faith and trust by the child.  On the other hand, the parent who establishes too flexible boundaries, as well as a relationship of “befriending” instead of “parenting” their child, is significantly more likely to raise a child who expects life to be easy, with laws that are optional instead of compulsory, and in other words, “spoiled”.

The balance between justice and mercy is critical.  Parenting is about knowing when to tilt the scale in favor of justice, and when to tip it toward mercy.  Raising children to know boundaries, follow the law, and have faith in the system is entirely dependent upon a parent’s ability to establish these ideas in the home.  This weekend talk to your child about what ethics and values mean the most to you, and ask them which ones they think you demonstrate with your actions toward them.  Explain to your child that breaking certain rules has different consequences.  But most importantly, let your child know that you love him/her.  Hearing these words make receiving consequences much more palatable and understandable.
                                                                       
Have a wonderful weekend and Shabbat shalom!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

About this past week's Parshah...Bereisheet



“God blessed the seventh day, and declared it to be holy.  For it was on this day that God ceased from all the work that God had created.” Genesis 2:3

This past Shabbat we began rereading the Torah from anew.  Having rolled the Torah back last Tuesday during the holiday of Simhat Torah, to its beginning in the Book of Genesis, we are now prepared to reread the same words our ancestors have read for thousands of years; however, this time we are a year older, a year wiser, and a year more experienced.

A few years ago, while visiting a science classroom, it dawned on me that the above verse taught me a life lesson, which I had never before considered.  The idea that the completion of a project has the potential to make the project “holy” is a profound concept.  When one puts in all the effort, holds nothing back, and turns a dream into reality holiness follows.

What a wonderful lesson I thought to myself as I observed this class.  To learn that as a being “created in God’s image” (Gen 1:26) we not only have the ability to think for ourselves, to process, and to reflect, but we can also “create.” And then to learn that we can create holiness, I thought about how proud I felt that these students were confronting issues with personal meaning and self-reflection that many adults never have the chance to address.

Yesterday we started reading from the beginning once again, I was reminded of the quote “the one thing you can never have twice, is a first impression.”  However, when it comes to the Torah, since we read it every year from anew, we are always being offered the chance to have a new first impression.

BUT, like the infomercials claim, “that’s not all”!  Although the purpose of this column is to share some educational insights through a Jewish lens, and since education is the ultimate driving force behind what I do, I wanted to take this column one step further.  For those of you interested in taking the conversation from abstract “Torah portion” to the concrete “family dinner table”, we offer you the following guiding questions:

  • After the first five days of creation God ended the day by claiming it was “good”, but after the sixth day (the day God created people) God said it was “very good” (Gen 1:31).  What is it about people that make us “very good” in God’s eyes?
  • Adam and Eve were created by God and had a special relationship with God, but even they weren’t “perfect” in God’s eyes.  When we make mistakes we learn from them.  What was a mistake that we made this week that we could do better next time?
                                                                                                              
Have a wonderful week, shavuah tov!