Hanukkah humor...

Parents playing favorites...never a good idea!

“[Jacob] loved Joseph more than any of his sons.” Genesis 37:3

It is impossible to be a parent and not be uncomfortable with the above verse that expresses the unashamed flaw that one of our patriarchs played favorites with his children. However, to truly understand this obvious parenting anomaly we need to go back a generation or two to see from where its origins began.

Abraham loved Sarah so obviously more than her handmaiden Hagar, that he transferred much of that favored love onto Isaac…ultimately sending Hagar and Ishmael away into the desert.  Then there was Isaac, a generation later, who demonstrated a special connection with Esau over Jacob.

So the fact that Jacob had a “favorite” should not only be his poor judgment to suffer for alone, especially since this was an accepted behavior of his ancestors…his primary role models.  Like his grandfather, and many other biblical heroes, Jacob’s love for one out shone the love of the whole.  The sages make many excuses, and even try to rationalize these great patriarchs’ behaviors.  But the truth of the matter is that they were human, they made mistakes, and they were not perfect.  It is these frailties that help us to identify with them so many centuries later. 

If our ancestors were perfect, how could we strive to live up to that perfection?  This is the question I challenge you to consider his weekend.  Our children will learn from us.  They will learn many of our positive behaviors, they will even listen to many of the suggestions and recommendations we offer; but what we often do not think about, is what negative behaviors will they learn from us?

What are the characteristics, which we know to be our weaknesses?  What are the things we only wish our children wouldn’t do like we do?

For me, this week’s Torah portion is a wake up call to remind us that we need to address our flaws before we begin to see them in our children and grandchildren.  Jacob was a tremendous leader.  He was recognized for many wonderful things.  But the trait, the flaw, the error that he was never able to get away from was his favoritism of one child over the others.  This ended up being the characteristic that we most remember about him.

What will be the identifying behavior that our descendants remember of us?

May you have a wonderful beginning to the Hanukkah holiday, and may you always be blessed to remember that the sum of the whole is greater than that of the individual parts.  God taught us well through this holiday, that one child’s love should never be greater than the love for the whole family.

Chag orim same’ach (Happy festival of lights)!

Wrestling with an angel...Parshat Vayishlach (Genesis 32:4-36:43)

“Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with beings divine and human, and have prevailed.” Genesis 32:29

So how does a person change over the course of twenty years?  How does getting married, having children, and wrestling with one’s “conscience” for things done in one’s early years change a person?

This week’s Torah portion tells of the reacquainting of Jacob with his brother Esau.  The last time Jacob saw his brother was when he tricked him out of his birthright, followed by tricking his dying father into giving him Esau’s first-born blessing.  Not the proud memories of behaviors that bring about great pride and joy.  These were the memories of an immature youth pursuing material goods and instant gratification.

But what we learn in this week’s portion is that after twenty years and the related life experiences, most of us are not the same person we were as children.  Maybe our mannerisms, and maybe even our interests and appearances can still be found in who we are today, but in most of us, our maturity and self-reflection have aided us in appreciating the things that we might have missed in our youth.

Jacob’s name was literally changed to highlight his physical, emotional, and even spiritual struggles.  The lessons he learned in his twenty-year “road trip” helped him become the patriarch to our people that we know him to be today.  This weekend, take the opportunity to share with your children some of the “mistakes” and challenges you faced as a child and teach them that we all make choices that we have to live with.  What are the things you learned from these struggles?  What are the things you hope your children can learn from you, so they won’t have to “wrestle” with the same things themselves? 

Have a wonderful weekend and Shabbat shalom!

Thanksgiving story...

This Thanksgiving I found a wonderful story/poem, that although not directly about giving thanks, is a wonderful message to consider nonetheless.

Unfortunately, I cannot give the author direct credit as it came to me many moons ago as an anonymous chain email which I've kept in my "go to" folder for just the right time.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do...Happy Thanksgiving!

A woman was waiting at an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, that the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be...grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”

With each cookie she took, he took one too, when only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other, she snatched it from him and thought… oooh, brother. This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude, why he didn’t even show any gratitude!

She had never known when she had been so galled, and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, there was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.

If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.

Tipping the scales of parenting...

"Lady Justice" outside the Old Bailey, London, England

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; mercy and truth go before You.” Psalm 89:14

In this week’s Torah portion we read two seemingly distinct stories.  The first story is about Noah, the animals, the flood, and the consequent establishment of a covenant between God and humanity.  The second story, only a chapter in length, is the story of the Tower of Babel.

For years I tried to make sense of this awkward insertion of the story of the Tower of Babel since it had no seemingly rational explanation for being squeezed into the Torah at this point.  However, as I told my students year in and year out, just because something doesn’t make sense to us, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a good reason for being included. 

It wasn’t until I came across the above verse that I suddenly made the connection between the two stories in this week’s Torah portion.  If God were only a God of justice, like God is described in the story of Noah, then whenever humankind disobeyed God’s commands, God would need to deliver a swift and just punishment.  Similarly, if God were only a God of mercy, then why would humanity follow any of God’s commands if breaking these laws would only elicit a slap on the wrist?

In this week’s verses we read about how justice is important, and yet incorporating mercy into the punishment is critical.  Even God shows the importance and necessity for order while at the same time showing a never-ending love for people.

Obviously, the application of this insight to parenting has tremendous impact.  The parent who parents with authority, strictness, and severity, all the while forgetting that children need to make mistakes, pushes the child away and generates a lack of faith and trust by the child.  On the other hand, the parent who establishes too flexible boundaries, as well as a relationship of “befriending” instead of “parenting” their child, is significantly more likely to raise a child who expects life to be easy, with laws that are optional instead of compulsory, and in other words, “spoiled”.

The balance between justice and mercy is critical.  Parenting is about knowing when to tilt the scale in favor of justice, and when to tip it toward mercy.  Raising children to know boundaries, follow the law, and have faith in the system is entirely dependent upon a parent’s ability to establish these ideas in the home.  This weekend talk to your child about what ethics and values mean the most to you, and ask them which ones they think you demonstrate with your actions toward them.  Explain to your child that breaking certain rules has different consequences.  But most importantly, let your child know that you love him/her.  Hearing these words make receiving consequences much more palatable and understandable.

                                                                       

Have a wonderful weekend and Shabbat shalom!

About this past week's Parshah...Bereisheet

“God blessed the seventh day, and declared it to be holy.  For it was on this day that God ceased from all the work that God had created.” Genesis 2:3

This past Shabbat we began rereading the Torah from anew.  Having rolled the Torah back last Tuesday during the holiday of Simhat Torah, to its beginning in the Book of Genesis, we are now prepared to reread the same words our ancestors have read for thousands of years; however, this time we are a year older, a year wiser, and a year more experienced.

A few years ago, while visiting a science classroom, it dawned on me that the above verse taught me a life lesson, which I had never before considered.  The idea that the completion of a project has the potential to make the project “holy” is a profound concept.  When one puts in all the effort, holds nothing back, and turns a dream into reality holiness follows.

What a wonderful lesson I thought to myself as I observed this class.  To learn that as a being “created in God’s image” (Gen 1:26) we not only have the ability to think for ourselves, to process, and to reflect, but we can also “create.” And then to learn that we can create holiness, I thought about how proud I felt that these students were confronting issues with personal meaning and self-reflection that many adults never have the chance to address.

Yesterday we started reading from the beginning once again, I was reminded of the quote “the one thing you can never have twice, is a first impression.”  However, when it comes to the Torah, since we read it every year from anew, we are always being offered the chance to have a new first impression.

BUT, like the infomercials claim, “that’s not all”!  Although the purpose of this column is to share some educational insights through a Jewish lens, and since education is the ultimate driving force behind what I do, I wanted to take this column one step further.  For those of you interested in taking the conversation from abstract “Torah portion” to the concrete “family dinner table”, we offer you the following guiding questions:

• After the first five days of creation God ended the day by claiming it was “good”, but after the sixth day (the day God created people) God said it was “very good” (Gen 1:31).  What is it about people that make us “very good” in God’s eyes?
• Adam and Eve were created by God and had a special relationship with God, but even they weren’t “perfect” in God’s eyes.  When we make mistakes we learn from them.  What was a mistake that we made this week that we could do better next time?

                                                                                                              

Have a wonderful week, shavuah tov!